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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22455376">You could be my one and only</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liliania/pseuds/Liliania'>Liliania</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Asexual Character, Asexual Sirius Black, Demisexuality, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Oblivious, Road Trips</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 16:09:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,884</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22455376</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liliania/pseuds/Liliania</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It sounds exciting to take your car and drive for days with your best friend that you were in love with for years, see beautiful landscapes of Wales, wind up in a deserted parking lot and visit the places from his childhood, at last have an opportunity for some meaningful conversations away from the rest of your friends.<br/>Too bad you're Remus Lupin and actually you're driving for the funeral of a said best friend’s brother he hasn't seen in years, so the love of your life is crying his eyes out while driving and you’re too awkward to comfort him like a normal person. </p><p>aka: please help me I’ve been hopelessly in love for the past seven years</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black &amp; Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>You could be my one and only</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They are in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by vast fields of grass and rocks. Sirius hasn’t seen cars for at least fifteen minutes, let alone any buildings, so he can drive in the middle of the road, so slowly a teenager on a bike drives past them with an annoying grin plastered on his face.<br/>
Suddenly, he stops, slams the door of the car and sits on the side of the road.<br/>
“Christ.” Remus sighs and follows him out of the car. He wants to be a good friend, really, but he’s never been good with sad people. It would be great if James went with Sirius instead of him; hell, it would be great if he went with them at all. Or Lily, or Peter, or whoever at all, actually, Remus was not picky.<br/>
For seven years he couldn’t stop wishing the two of them would be left alone, just once, but now that they are Remus can say with a certainty he prefers not being responsible for anyone except himself.<br/>
“Could you pass me a cigarette?” Sirius asks, his voice a little shaky, as he sniffs and wipes his nose on the sleeve of his jacket. “They might be somewhere on the floor, I think.”<br/>
“Yeah, figured you’d want them.” Remus takes his pack of cigarettes out of the pocket of his jumper and lights it for Sirius. “You alright?”<br/>
“Peachy. As you can clearly see.” Sirius rubs his eyes and murmurs a quiet thank you when Remus gives him a tissue. “I just really wish I didn’t have to go there.”<br/>
“I mean, you don’t have to.” Remus busies himself with picking at the loose threads of his jumpers. “Technically, you didn’t even get an invitation.”<br/>
“Thanks, Rem,” Sirius snarls through his tears, which turns out rather pathetic; not that Remus notices, realizing he’s just made a clown out of himself. “That’s not what I meant.”<br/>
Remus clears his throat and fidgets awkwardly, not sure what he should say now. “Want me to drive?”<br/>
“No way I’m letting you drive my car.”<br/>
They sit in silence after that for a moment and Sirius seems content with that. Remus doesn’t want to start a conversation when the other boy is still sniffling into the sleeve of his jacket, but they’ve stopped the car in the middle of a narrow road and surely someone is going to drive by soon. Another thing Remus is not good at is dealing with annoyed people and whoever will pass next is surely going to be annoyed at crying Sirius unwilling to move a car out of the way.<br/>
“Can you hug me?”<br/>
Sirius looks at him with red eyes, black crayon smeared on his cheek. Seeing him sad like this breaks Remus’ heart. The last time he saw him crying was when Walburga threw him out of the house and oh, what a terrible time that was.<br/>
“Come on,” he says quietly. “I’ll drive. We’ve got three days, we can go anywhere you like.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not what I expected.”<br/>
Sirius reaches through Remus’s seat to get a CD and chooses Joy Division of all the bands. In the end, he didn’t let Remus drive the car.<br/>
They’re parked in an empty parking lot. It’s awfully early, the shop isn’t even opened yet. Sirius smokes a cigarette, it’s the second one this day and it’s not even seven in the morning.<br/>
“Didn’t even know you’ve ever been to the church.”<br/>
“I don’t think I have since I was eight.” His breakdown seems to have passed and Sirius is now smiling smugly, shooting Remus amused looks.<br/>
“Oh.”<br/>
“Yeah.” Sirius shrugs his shoulders. “It’s close, I promise.”<br/>
“Hope so, it’s cold. Will it even be open?”<br/>
“Aren’t churches opened like, all the time? If you feel like suddenly praying in the middle of the night.” Sirius finishes his cigarette and throws it out of the window. Remus gives him a glare but doesn’t say anything.<br/>
“Don’t think so. You can pray at home.” Remus suddenly thinks with a worry that this answer might upset Sirius, so he adds quickly, “But, what do I know? I’m Jewish.”<br/>
“Are your churches open all day?”<br/>
“Synagogues,” Remus says, although he’s sure Sirius knew this. “No idea. Actually, I’m a Jewish atheist. I guess.”<br/>
“Right.” Sirius taps on the window, uninterested in Remus’ faith dilemmas. It’s starting to rain. “Alright, we better get going.”<br/>
“Right now?”<br/>
But Sirius already left the car. Remus runs to him with an umbrella; they had one in the back of the car. He doesn’t want to get under it anyway.<br/>
“Yellow is for sissies,” Sirius says. Remus is good with the yellow umbrella. </p><p>“My cousin had a wedding here.”<br/>
“Which one?” Remus whispers.<br/>
The church turned out to be open. It’s huge and modern, all white and looking odd compared to the rest of the city. It’s surrounded by old houses with lacy curtains and there’s a shop with a broken window nearby.<br/>
“Bellatrix. She’s got black curly hair and is completely mad,” he explains as he sees Remus has completely no idea who she is.<br/>
“Oh, the scary one.” Sirius nods. “What’s she up to these days?”<br/>
“Pretty sure she’s a criminal.” Sirius shakes his head. “They still like her more than me, anyway.”<br/>
“I wouldn’t really care for your family’s sympathy if I were you.” Remus looks at him apologetically. “No offense.”<br/>
They stand in the back of the church. It smells of incense and it’s all quiet, except for the sound of heels on a stone floor when some old lady comes in. She lights a candle and turns to look at them to smile. Sirius looks up and sees that Remus smiles back at her.<br/>
They sit in the pew in the front. Remus waits as Sirius kneels and intends to pray.<br/>
“Feels weird,” he says, sitting next to him finally.<br/>
“What?”<br/>
“I actually forgot the prayers,” he says. He’s upset and his shoulders are hunched; he looks even more out of place than Remus, who’s never even been to church except for sightseeing. “So I just said I’m sorry for how it all went. I mean, I said it in my head.”<br/>
Remus looks at him and takes his hand. It’s so cold shiver runs down his spine, so he squeezes it tight to warm Sirius up. </p><p>Their fries are cold and chewy. Sirius doesn’t mind, anyway. He barely touched the food and only sighs and pretends to take a bite when he sees Remus’ concerned look.<br/>
“More coffee?”<br/>
Remus looks up at the pretty waitress and nods for both of them. The girl smiles at him. She reminds him of Lily, only with a rounder face and bigger eyes. There are so many freckles on her cheeks and nose she looks as if someone splashed her skin with ginger paint.<br/>
“I wonder how’s James doing,” Sirius says when the waitress leaves them.<br/>
“Did you also think she looks a little like Lily?” Sirius nods and half-smiles. “We should call them later.”<br/>
“James will probably tell me he’s sorry he couldn’t come with me for a thousandth times.”<br/>
“He feels really guilty about it.”<br/>
“Well, he’s got a good enough excuse.” Sirius says, putting a cold fry in his mouth. “I didn’t even ask him, wouldn’t be fair.  Everyone’s doing something important now.”<br/>
“Well, you are, too. Sort of.”<br/>
“James’s having a baby. Lily too. I mean, mainly she is.” Sirius stops for a moment to think about it. “Frank and Alice have serious jobs at the government now, Christ. And Marlene and Dorcas are models, it’s bloody unbelievable. I mean, they are really pretty, so maybe it’s not so unbelievable after all.” He snorts and shakes his head. “So, everybody is doing something mildly important except for us. No offense.”<br/>
“No taken.”<br/>
“We’re sitting in some shithole and eating cold fries on a road to the funeral of my brother that didn’t talk to me since he was twelve.”<br/>
“I think I’d rather sit there with you than have a baby,” he mutters. “Besides, university is important, you shouldn’t say otherwise.”<br/>
“Thanks.” Sirius ignores the second part and shakes his head. “I don’t think you should tell anyone ever you’d rather go to a funeral than have a baby, but fuck it. I probably say worse things anyway.”<br/>
Sirius looks at the counter and raises his brow. He leans on the table above the food, nearly spilling his coffee.<br/>
“Pretty sure that girl has been checking you out for the last fifteen minutes we’ve been there,” he says.<br/>
“Poor girl.” He tries hard not to look in her direction. It was probably not him she was looking at, anyway. Sirius is the handsome one, even with red and puffy eyes. At least he doesn’t have a scar running through half of his face. “She looks about sixteen.”<br/>
“You look like a teenager when you smile. Maybe she thought you’re her age.” Sirius sits back and grins. He has dimples when he smiles and looks like a puppy with his black eyes and Remus can’t deny he’d like him better than any pretty, freckled girl. “A really tall sixteen years old. Or maybe she just likes older men.”<br/>
“That’s so wrong, Sirius.” Remus burns his tongue on coffee. He thought it is as cold as fries but turns out to be piping hot. “You can’t say stuff like this about a girl that’s almost four years younger than you. I don’t even think that’s legal.”<br/>
“I’m calling the cops.” He looks at him with wonder, smiling but somewhat sad. “Do you think you would like to go on a date with her?”<br/>
“No” Remus sighs and buries his head in his hands. “I don’t want to. I don’t really fancy some girl I just saw in a bar, even if she’s pretty. And she’s sixteen, for fuck's sake”<br/>
“You don’t know if she is.”<br/>
Sirius chews his fries loudly. He once told Remus it pissed Walburga off when he wouldn’t close his mouth while eating and he always did everything he could to make her angry. He never bothered to get rid of that habit.<br/>
Remus sometimes thinks he really can’t blame Sirius’ family for not liking him.<br/>
“I thought you were in love with Lily when we were seventeen.”<br/>
Remus looks at him resigned and opens his mouth to say something, but then stops and shakes his head. “You’re so bloody oblivious.”<br/>
“What?”<br/>
“Nothin’.” Remus gets up. “Come on, we have to find some room for tonight. I really want to sleep.”<br/>
“What do you mean oblivious, Remus?” Sirius holds him by the arm but Remus shakes his hand off.<br/>
“Someday you’ll realize and you’ll think I’m pathetic.”<br/>
“Can you stop with the riddles, Moony?” Sirius shakes his head and laughs. “You’re being bloody difficult sometimes, you know it?”<br/>
“I’m driving,” says Remus, ignoring Sirius completely on their way through the tiny parking lot.<br/>
“You’re not driving my car until you tell me what you mean, sir.” Sirius crosses his arms and leans on the door of the car. He grins when Remus blushes, although he probably thinks it’s because Remus is hiding from him a secret romance with Lily. To be fair, that sounds better than blushing after getting called “sir” by Sirius.<br/>
“Fine.” Remus shrugs his shoulders and goes to the other side of the car. “It’s not like you were going to let me, anyway.”<br/>
“Right you are.” Sirius gets in the car and opens the window. “But I won’t think you’re pathetic ever.”<br/>
“I’ll remind you.” </p><p> </p><p>“We should go to San Francisco.” Sirius puts toast bread and strawberry jam into the basket.<br/>
“I don’t think I’d be able to save enough money even in twenty years.” Remus glances at the food Sirius chose at follows him to the next alley. “I’m really worried we’ll run out of money on this trip and we won’t have any to pay the rent.”<br/>
“I thought you would like some sleeping in the park. You’re a bit of a hippie, that’s what they do, innit?”<br/>
“I’m not really.” They stand in front of the freezers and Remus wishes Sirius could finally choose a yogurt, it’s freezing in here. He taps his foot on the ground and looks around, so he does not have to stare at Sirius.<br/>
There is a middle-aged woman in the fruits section with a crying baby on her arm. She doesn’t mind it at all, just keeps on choosing the apples. Remus can’t blame her, really, kid probably cries and keeps her awake long at night. She looks at him briefly and he notices pale and sick she looks. It may be the lights, though, truly terrible; even Sirius somehow manages not to look that good.<br/>
Or it might be the fact that they stopped in what seems like the most depressing town Remus has ever seen.<br/>
“I quite like our appartement, so,” Sirius says and finally takes two strawberry yogurts. “Even if it’s a bit shitty, at least it doesn’t have mold on the walls. One yogurt’s for you.”<br/>
They go to the checkout. The cashier is a little grumpy and doesn’t answer to the “good morning” Remus muttered. Sirius looks at her disapprovingly and pats Remus on the shoulder gently.<br/>
“I still have a key to mum’s house so we can break inside and steal some vase or whatever.” Old cashier furrows her brows and looks at them with disapproval. “What? The old bat crossed me out of her will!”<br/>
“We’re not breaking into anyone’s house,” Remus says softly and the old woman shakes her head. “We’ll work something out, come on.”</p><p>“It smells like a dead, rotten body in here.” Sirius looks around the room with disgust.<br/>
“The hell do you know how they smell.” Remus sneezes and opens the window. It rather smells like thrift shops or grandma’s apartment. “Don’t even answer.”<br/>
“Please don’t say you have an allergy and you’re going to sneeze the whole night.”<br/>
“I have allergy on cats,” Remus says, annoyed. “Do you see any cats there?”<br/>
The room is a mess, it makes Remus’s headache even worse. There’s striped carpeting on the floor and wallpaper with flowers on it and a matching duvet. Remus looks at it with a sigh and reaches to his bag for painkillers.<br/>
“Got a headache again, Moony?” Sirius looks at him concerned. “Want some water?”<br/>
Remus swallows two pills and lays on a bed. “I’ll just go to sleep.” </p><p>Sirius is leaning out of the window with a cigarette between his fingers. It’s still dark outside; Remus glances at the watch on his wrist, it’s half-past three, which means he slept for barely three and a half hours and Sirius didn’t go to sleep at all. Also, there’s a blanket on him; he knows it means nothing, just Sirius being a decent friend, but he can’t stop thinking that it means he cares about Remus. And imagining that he’d do it every night if they lived together, on their own, without any additional friends, as a couple; that is if Remus survived Sirius mood swings and managed to find a way to talk to him, not only answer to whatever nonsense Sirius comes up with.<br/>
Remus stands beside him at the window and nudged him gently with his arm. He takes a cigarette and lits it; the lighter has “Padfoot” engraved on it. Present for his last birthday.<br/>
“You should get some rest,” he says softly.<br/>
It’s the same every night since Regulus vanished. Remus goes to sleep just before midnight and wakes up in the middle of the night with a pain in the neck, head heavy, and goes to the kitchen to see Sirius sitting with a cup of tee and a book. (Sometimes vodka and cigarette and cranberry juice, but that’s just really bad and he’d rather not think about it.) Remus has barely ever seen him reading a book before, and now he’s studying like mad. He tells him to go to sleep and they curl up at the sofa, sitting quietly until they both fall asleep. Remus usually wakes up with even bigger pain in his back than before.<br/>
“Is your head better?”<br/>
“It’s alright,” Remus answers, and it’s not much of a stretch. He feels heavy and weird, but it doesn’t hurt. And he doesn’t want to worry Sirius. “Are you?”<br/>
“It’s just always worse at night.” Sirius rests his forehead on Remus’s bare arm and takes a deep breath. “I should probably feel bad, but I can’t make myself. I did hate him, how could I not, but that just makes me feel more guilty. I should stop hating him now that he’s dead.”<br/>
“You don’t have to like him only because he’s dead,” he says, but Sirius doesn’t respond. “Why do you think he hated you?”<br/>
“He would if he knew who I really am.”<br/>
Remus doesn’t understand what he means, but he’s never fully sure what Sirius means and he knows better than to ask him.<br/>
“And he hated you.” Sirius hops on the ledge and leans on the wall.<br/>
“Huh?” Remus asks surprised. “I don’t think I’ve ever talked to him.”<br/>
Remus is growing tired of this conversation. His back hurts and his limbs feel weirdly heavy and hot, even though he is only in his sweatpants and it is a middle of rainy autumn. Most importantly, he has no idea what Sirius means and it doesn’t seem he wants to explain much.<br/>
“I mean, you as my friends,” Sirius says after a moment. “He hated James, because he was racist and he would hate you, because he was a homophobe, so don’t worry about him. Not like he actually had a reason. He even had a problem with Peter, because he was ugly and fat and… Oh shit don’t tell Peter I said so, alright? But he did, I don’t get why. It was the weirdest thing for me, why he had such a problem with fat people. There’s actually more bad things about him, but I’m getting sick talking about him. You get the idea anyway.” He ruffled his hair. “And why I didn’t talk about him. He just thought you’re a bad influence.”<br/>
Remus looks at him wide-eyed.<br/>
“What did you say about me?”<br/>
“What?” he asks, but of course he remembers what he said. He blushes slightly and opens the window wide. “I mean… You are gay, right?”<br/>
Remus stares at him for some more and then bangs his head on the wall. Sirius puts a hand on it so Remus hits his palm instead and sighs deeply, resting his forehead on it with closed eyes. He laughs, unsure what to do now.<br/>
“I have no idea if you’re laughing because I’m completely wrong and made a fool of myself or because I’m right and you were a little shit and didn’t want to tell me for ten years.”<br/>
“Why did you try to find me a date for the last five years, then? If you thought I was gay?”<br/>
“So you’re not?”<br/>
“Answer me first.”<br/>
Sirius looks at him puzzled. He bites his lip and realizes he hoped Remus would be more embarrassed than him.<br/>
“I wanted to gently force you to tell me.”<br/>
“Terrible plan.” Remus shakes his head; his hair is slightly too long now and they obscure his view.<br/>
“So what was I supposed to do?”<br/>
“Ask me.”<br/>
“Like you’d answer me.” Remus snickers and sits on the ledge, facing Sirius.<br/>
“You could try, at least.”<br/>
“I’m asking now and you’re not answering me.”<br/>
Remus looks through the window, keeps Sirius waiting. It’s so quiet he feels like they’re the last people on earth.<br/>
“I guess. I’m just really picky. But I really wasn’t in love with Lily.”<br/>
“So you’re a virgin?” Sirius asks and instantly regrets it. He shuts his mouth and leans forward. “Shit, sorry, didn’t mean to ask you. It slipped.”<br/>
Remus laughs and pats Sirius on the head when he hides his face in his hands. They’re so painfully close Remus itches to caress the back of his neck and bony arms that poke out of the too-large jumper.<br/>
“Are you?” Remus laughs and Sirius finally dares to look at him.<br/>
“Shut up already.” Sirius laughs nervously. “Picky, like, what? Have you ever fancied anyone?”<br/>
“Oh, that’s awkward,” he growls and it’s his turn to laugh nervously.<br/>
“Why?”<br/>
Remus bites his lip and looks at him muddled. He lacks words and he’s even more tired now and knows he should have thought about it better, but he’s too sleepy for pretending right now.<br/>
“I was only ever in love with one person. I don’t think I ever found anyone else attractive. Romantically speaking. ”<br/>
“And you’re sure it wasn’t Lily?”<br/>
“Sod off, Pads.” Remus laughs and pushes Sirius to move a little, so now they’re leaning on each other. “What are you, though? For all the girls going crazy about you, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk much about anyone.”<br/>
“Oh, you know,” Sirius laughs. “Maybe I’m the same as you. Labels are old fashioned, anyway, I think we should just bang whoever we want in 2019.”<br/>
“I think we’ve never talked about sex or anything,” Remus says, a shy smile tugging at his lips. “We’ve been friends for ten years. Some people are sharing details of getting blowjobs in the bathroom after knowing each other for two weeks.”<br/>
“Probably James talking about Lily exhausted our will to talk about love.” Sirius laughs. “Or, oh God, poor Peter and his neverending streak of girls who gently let him down.”<br/>
Remus laughs and they fall silent for a moment. Sirius takes the last puff of his cigarette and leaves it on a sill.<br/>
“Although, actually, I don’t think I’m really into the banging part,” he says quietly. Remus looks at him surprised.<br/>
“What, like, you’re asexual?”<br/>
“I thought we agreed on the no labels part,” he says smiling, although there is a hint of shame to his voice.<br/>
“I mean, whatever you prefer,” Remus says hastily. “But you must admit, they make the whole thing a whole lot easier.”<br/>
Sirius sighs. “No, you’re right. I probably am.” He takes Remus’s cigarette from his hands. “I don’t think I like it, though. Can’t imagine how I’m ever getting into relationship with that baggage.”<br/>
“I wouldn’t mind being with an asexual person,” Remus says, because of course, when the only person you’ve ever been attracted to is you can’t be picky. He feels stupid for saying this instantly, but Sirius raises his head and looks at him with sparkling eyes and he looks maybe not shy, but definitely less cocky than always. And he’s blushing, which makes him look just adorable.<br/>
“So you really haven’t been attracted to anyone?”<br/>
Remus thinks about it for one moment, but can’t recall any such situation. He thought about Sirius, of course; how he’d love to kiss him and wake up with him in the morning, and how he looks like a goddamn roman statue, but he didn’t even think about anything sexual with him, anyway. It seemed… wrong, so maybe he actually sensed it before. That this would be off.<br/>
“Not really, no.”<br/>
Sirius laughs and Remus glances at him puzzled. “Sorry, it’s just… weird. Do you know how many asexual people there are in the world? Or… any people who are not that-much-into-fucking.” He looks at Remus. “Well, I mean, I haven’t checked it actually, but not a lot. It’s a really fucking big coincidence we just happened to be and we were friends for ten years. And it only comes out because I got bored waiting for you to do the coming out thing.”<br/>
“That is a coincidence,” Remus agrees.<br/>
“And really, would you expect it from me?”<br/>
“Now that I think about that, I should have.”<br/>
“What?” At that, Sirius is actually surprised. “Wait, really?”<br/>
“Yeah.” Remus shrugs and closes the window after he butts the cigarette. “You have the bad-boy thing going on, but you really were never interested in anybody. I guess I just haven’t noticed because…” I was dead jealous, so I assumed every kind gesture you made towards anyone was a sign you like them and I should be jealous. He thinks that but shrugs his shoulders and smiles. “I don’t know, just the stereotypes. Someone’s confident then must be into sex.”<br/>
“Oh.” Sirius slumps and looks disappointed, so Remus pats him on the arm.<br/>
“Don’t do that, Pads,” he says, hugging him with one arm. “You shouldn’t be ashamed of it, you know? Sex doesn’t make anyone more interesting.” Remus feels extremely confident with himself that night, and also so tired his brain feels fried, so he kisses his friend on the forehead and ruffles his already messy hair. Sirius beams at that, leaning even more on Remus. “Come on, go to sleep, I’m knackered. We’re doing something tomorrow. Not in this town, though.”</p><p>It’s starting to be quite uncomfortable. Remus gets it; Sirius feels far from well and he’s shocked and also, he told him his probably biggest secret yesterday and all of this can be exhausting. And maybe Sirius is just always this way, but he didn’t notice earlier because they’re always surrounded by someone, so it seems different.<br/>
They drove for half an hour to the other town so they could go to the cinema. They weren’t talking almost at all; the whole day, they only talked about their toast with strawberry jam and whether Remus was okay with listening to Joy Division again. (He wasn’t; he was on a verge of a mental breakdown after hearing Love Will Tear Us Apart which appeared on that CD at least four times). Remus counted all the sheep on the way which was depressing. He was sitting mere inches away from the life of his life and he counted bloody sheep rather than talk.<br/>
And now they were sitting in an almost empty parking lot, which seems to happen a lot during this trip, still not talking and oh God, Sirius is crying. Remus truly hates it here.<br/>
“You alright, Pads?” he asks, softly, turning to him. Sirius is staring ahead, wiping the tears with the sleeve of his striped shirt and trembling. He puts his head on a wheel and Remus pats him awkwardly on the back, uncertain what he actually should do. “God, I’m shite at this, am I,” he sighs, which actually makes Sirius laugh.<br/>
“Yeah,” he says, sniffing but sounding like he’s getting better. “I don’t mind, though.”<br/>
“James would be much better.”<br/>
“I know that it can be hard to believe, but I’m happy you came instead of him.”<br/>
“Well, that’s good.” Remus sighs and reached to his bag. “I took a week off work to come, so better steal some of your cousins a ring or something or we’re eating rice exclusively for at least three days.”<br/>
“Didn’t think I’d hear it from you.”<br/>
“People change in difficult times.”<br/>
Sirius laughs and looks at him at last, immediately furrows his brows. “What you got there?” He points with his head at a transparent bottle with pills.<br/>
“Forgot about them yesterday, which, not good,” he says as he shakes the bottle. Sirius still looks at him puzzled and slightly worried. “For my anxiety.”<br/>
“For… what? Since when do you have anxiety?”<br/>
“I mean, recently I’ve been diagnosed,” Remus lies so Sirius doesn’t feel bad about it, but then clears his throat. He shouldn’t hide it from him probably. The whole honesty thing he tried the day before felt incredibly good. “Recently just before I finished high school.”<br/>
“That’s three years.” Sirius hides his head in his hands and groans. Remus smiles; his black hair is slipping out of the bun and he must admit, it makes him look adorable. “Fuck, talk about being bad at it.”<br/>
Remus snickers and ruffles his hair. They feel weirdly good, soft and fresh somehow, even though Sirius probably hasn’t washed them for a few days. “For such good friends we really suck at knowing anything about each other.”<br/>
“What do we even talk about?”<br/>
“James?” They both laugh and the tension in the car is finally gone. “Come on, now. Let’s go to the fucking cinema, alright?”<br/>
“We shouldn’t watch Star Wars, though.” Remus shoots him a surprised look. “I mean, we can, when we come back. Just feels inappropriate now to see something like this.”<br/>
Remus nods and gets out of the car at least. He opens the door for Sirius, then, who still looks like a mess. His face is a bit red from crying before and his hair is a hot mess put in a bun, the hairstyle he would absolutely make fun of in any other circumstances, paired with a shirt with makeup smeared on sleeves and old Adidas Tiro sweatpants he kept in the depth of his closet. Remus can’t resist launching himself at him and embracing him with full force, almost suffocating him in a hug but earning a laugh instead, and Sirius puts arms around Remus’ waist and head on his shoulder. He hears a faint “thanks” from him, but he’s not really sure. </p><p>Sirius decides on watching Cats and falls asleep after thirty minutes, which seems almost impossible, even being as tired as he is. Remus is left watching the movie on his own and is left traumatized, some scenes worse than any terrifying trips he had on mushrooms or that one time he felt like dying after Peter bought weed that must have been mixed with meth and rat poison.<br/>
He won’t complain, because Sirius is sleeping on his arm and although his arm has gone numb a bit ago, he won’t complain. After he wakes up and the movie is almost over he still is propped on Remus’ arm and only moves to another side when Remus really must move or the blood will stop circulating in his limb.<br/>
Sirius buys him hot chocolate afterward, too, and makes himself dirty with the one he got himself which is strangely adorable. Remus can’t help the fact that he finds everything this man does cute; especially now, that Sirius didn’t bother with eye makeup, earrings and a leather jacket. He looks like a teenager, especially because his old clothes are slightly too large after he stopped playing football and lost his muscles.<br/>
“How did you like it?” He grins widely and Remus bursts into laughter.<br/>
“Masterpiece.” Remus nudges him with his foot. “I’ll probably have to sleep with a stuffed toy and lights on, I can already feel nightmares coming.”<br/>
“Oh, you can sleep with me.” Sirius winks at him and blushes immediately. “God, I am so bad. I’m sorry, it’s only because I’m in a bad condition.”<br/>
“Yeah, right.” Remus laughs. “Wouldn’t mind that, though.”</p><p>“Were we listening to Joy Division all the time cause that felt appropriate, too?”<br/>
They’re sitting on a bench in a park. Sirius hides under Remus’s arm; it got chilly quite suddenly and he’s shivering from the wind, but it’s entirely too nice like this to come inside somewhere. A group of teenage girls notices them and they smile with excitement which at first makes him uncomfortable, but also, he must admit, really happy. They must think they are a couple with Sirius tucked beside him like this, almost curled up in his lap. It feels great even if that’s not true.<br/>
It might be true, though.<br/>
“I thought you liked it.” Sirius looks up at him, but the position becomes uncomfortable, so he drops his head again. “I played it because I thought you did. You used to listen to it all the time.”<br/>
“Well, yeah,” he admits. “I was heartbroken.”<br/>
“For three years?”<br/>
“I was heartbroken for seven years, I think.”<br/>
“I’m gonna beat that guy’s ass.”<br/>
Remus laughs and falls quiet for a moment. He gathers his thoughts. It’s nice like this, Sirius hugging into his side or buying him hot chocolate or smoking with him in the middle of the night, sharing secrets that not even James knows and looking smoking hot and adorable at the same time. He could do with it, that’s better than what he had for the last few years anyway because their friendship moved light years ahead in two days after Remus confessed he’s been crushing like a sad idiot on one person for the last seven years.<br/>
“Actually, Sirius,” he says, his voice quite hoarse, after deciding he’s actually up for possibly screwing ten years of friendship, “you probably shouldn’t. Because that guy sort of is you.”<br/>
Sirius shoots up and looks up at him. “What the fuck did you just say?”<br/>
“I said that…”<br/>
“Oh my fucking God, are you for real? Remus, you just confessed to being in love with me while we’re on the way to my brother’s funeral.”<br/>
Remus clears his throat. “To be fair, you never really liked him.”<br/>
“He would be so fucking pissed.” Sirius examines Remus for a moment, which feels like a decade, and finally smiles wide. “I love you. You’re so inappropriate.”<br/>
“That’s something I should say.” Remus looks at him, hands on Sirius’s thighs, one of which got into his lap somehow, and then Sirius moves and he’s got arms around his neck. “You’re a dick, you know. I almost got a panic attack,” he murmurs.<br/>
“Yeah, I know.” Sirius is sobbing now, but he’s laughing, too, so Remus doesn’t mind that too much. “God, I’m so happy you didn’t confess it seven years ago, cause I would have freaked the hell out.”<br/>
“You’re welcome.” Remus sighs and takes Sirius’ arms from his neck. “What are you doing now, though?”<br/>
“Oh, sorry,” Sirius laughs and runs fingers through his hair unconsciously. He looks tragically handsome when he does that. “I think I’m in love with you, that’s what I mean to say. That is, if you still are. Are you?”<br/>
“It’s not because I said I could be with an asexual person, right?”<br/>
“Piss off,” Sirius says, and adds, “I can have sex with you if you want to.”<br/>
“I don’t if you don’t.”<br/>
“I’m glad.” He puts on a serious face. “I would, though. It’s not that I’m repulsed, mind you.”<br/>
“That’s alright.” Remus leans on his arm and lets out a long breath. “Does it feel weird?”<br/>
“Nah, I don’t think so. I think I had a crush on you for really long, you know.” Sirius puts an arm around him and kisses him on a head. The sun came out and it’s warmer now, so he’s not freezing at least. “Come to think about it, we were kind of acting like a couple for a long time now.”<br/>
“We were hardly ever spending time together without the rest of the guys.”<br/>
“Right, but still.” Sirius rubs circles on his arm, which makes Remus want to purr. “Around the other guys, too. And we were falling asleep together quite often. I heard that you bond with people when you sleep together.”<br/>
“I’ve been imagining our wedding for at least five years now, so maybe that’s why this feels alright.” Sirius starts laughing, so Remus looks at him anxiously. “What, too much?”<br/>
He shakes his head and kisses him.</p><p>That night they change the location and wind up in a motel that is only half an hour away from the chapel in which the funeral is held. The lady at the reception is playing Candy Crush on her phone and makes them wait until she finishes to give them the keys; Sirius hardly minds, he is busy nudging Remus with his nose and ruffling his curls.<br/>
He sneaks into his bed at night and curls up, facing his chest. Remus places chin on his head, but Sirius starts stirring to get on the level of his face and kiss him. He found out he likes this part a lot, especially because Remus smells like the coffee shop he works at and his lips are soft, but not weirdly wet.<br/>
“One person I kissed had horribly chapped lips, he was wearing some dry lipstick and it tasted like chemicals,” he says after deciding he should definitely share that story. “And the other one, that was actually gross, she was just salivating and everything was wet.”<br/>
“So you kissed people before?”<br/>
“Yeah, of course I did,” he huffs and kisses Remus on his nose. “Didn’t like it much, though. Only because I thought it’s weird not to kiss anybody when you’re over eighteen.”<br/>
“You didn’t have to do something only because other people do.”<br/>
“Yes, but I’m great at making stupid decisions,” he says seriously. Remus thinks he’ll start laughing, but nothing such happens, so he sighs and squeezes him harder. “Not that every decision I make is stupid, but. I mean, everything connected with you was pretty smart.”<br/>
“You got kicked out of your home after telling your mom we were together.”<br/>
“And look where we are now!” Sirius throws his leg over Remus’ hip to confirm his statement and kisses him, again. “Had to wait a bit, but we got there, eventually. Good thing you lot weren’t mad at me for making that mess with her. Besides, I only confirmed when she confronted me and I already had my big runaway plan thought through.”<br/>
Remus turns on his back and thinks for a moment about it. “Why did your mom think we were together, anyway?” Sirius shrugs and puts his head on Remus’ chest. “And why did your brother think I was gay? I don’t get it, Pads, no one else guessed.”<br/>
“Love, no one believed you were straight.”<br/>
“What?” Remus shoots up and looks at Sirius, who’s staring at him bemused and grins.<br/>
“Yeah, what’d you think? I mean, you had this… manner, you know?” Remus still stares at him, obviously puzzled, so Sirius sighs.<br/>
“What manner?”<br/>
“Gay manner, as it turns out.” He laughs and hooks arm around Remus’ neck to make him lay down. “You just behave that way. And also, you were always weird when boys were talking about girls. You could have just sat down and read your book or whatever, but you threw in comments like, she had beautiful earrings yesterday. Or something like that. And the fact that no girl really interested you and you’re obviously gorgeous also was a bit…” Remus blushes and puts his head in the crook of Sirius’ neck. “Oh, come on, you must know it, you smug bastard. Walking around in those stupid knitted jumpers and baggy jeans, smiling under those beautiful golden curls, dimples in your cheeks and goddamn freckles. You have this beauty that… You just make people want to get to know you and fall in love with you.”<br/>
“That was nice,” he murmurs, still hiding his face in Sirius’ neck.<br/>
“I know, mate,” he laughs, curling his hand around Remus’ arm. “I’m just catching up after not complimenting you while I was oblivious about the fact that I’m in love with you.”<br/>
“Were you?”<br/>
“No, I’m just messing around.” He kisses Remus on his head. “Now come on, we should sleep already. Enough of this sappy mess for today.”</p><p>They brush their teeth standing next to each other, Sirius propped on the sink with ankles crossed and Remus facing the mirror -- not looking at it, though. He’s sneaking glances at Sirius, who’s standing with his bare chest and grinning smugly when he catches him staring. Remus is eyeing all his tattoos, placed all over his body and heavily on his chest. He’s got a heart tattooed there, circled by lots of chubby cherubs, and a constellation above a butterfly on his abdomen. Then, there’s Sirius’ favorite piece on his shoulder, his black dog that died just before Sirius moved out. Remus thinks Sirius probably waited with running away from his parents only because of that dog.<br/>
Sirius spits out toothpaste and he must have guessed what Remus was thinking about because he’s looking at the tattoos Remus has and touches the barbed wire going around his shoulder, around his scar.<br/>
“I like what you did with those scars,” he says, hand still lingering on the damaged skin. “That they’re here, but you made them art.”<br/>
Remus smiles at him and shuffles closer to put his arm around Sirius’ waist. His palm lands on a lily that the boy has on his back. “Too bad I couldn’t do that with the ones on my face.”<br/>
Sirius stands on his tiptoes to kiss the scar running through Remus’ nose. “You look much more badass with them than with any tattoo you could get.”</p><p>Sirius is playing with the hem of his black turtleneck. There’s a loose thread at his sleeve that he’s picking at during the mass, not raising his eyes to look around. Remus loops their arm together and presses himself closer to his side. That stops him from fidgeting for a moment.<br/>
They run away right after the ceremony -- sneak out and hide on the ledge behind the church. Sirius doesn’t want to join the mourning in the graveyard and Remus can’t blame him, after seeing the nasty looks they got from his cousins. If he ever thought Sirius looked intimidating, he changes his opinion now, especially after seeing the one cousin with a cascade of blond hair and ice-blue eyes. She raised her chin and just with her gaze made Remus want to apologize for existing.<br/>
He puts on Sirius’ leather jacket; he refused at first, but couldn’t stop shaking in his black shirt and it felt too pathetic to keep pretending he didn’t need it. Sirius reaches behind his back into the pocket of the jacket and fishes out a pack of cigarettes, then puts his arm back around Remus’ back after he lights a cigarette.<br/>
“I still don’t miss him very much,” he says after taking a drag. “I’m not mad at him or anything, but I just… I’m sorry he died so young and I’m sorry he got into shit like that, but I don’t miss him.”<br/>
“I’m sorry he couldn’t get out of that house,” Remus says quietly. Sirius shrugs.<br/>
“I wanted him to,” he says and that surprises Remus. “Yeah, I never told any of you, but I actually told him that night that he should go with me. Potters wouldn’t even as much as blink if he wanted to live with them, too.”<br/>
“Why do you think he didn’t want to go?”<br/>
He shrugs again. “No idea. After he refused to leave with me, I just thought: maybe he likes it after all. As it turns out he didn’t.” Remus nods and Sirius continues, “I just wonder how it started. I guess I’m a bit mad that he didn’t want to leave with me, when I offered him a second family, but decided to leave with a bunch of junkies that got him addicted to meth.”<br/>
He lays his head on Remus’s arm. The nun passes by to get to the church and shoots them a sympathetic smile.<br/>
“Don’t worry about it, Moons. We all make decisions in life and I swear I’m not going to blame myself for his.” He stands up and stretches his arm out towards Remus. “How about we go celebrate my good decisions, hm? I feel like eating a pizza.”</p><p>They stop at the same diner where they ate a few days ago. Pizza tastes much better than the fries and a burger, fortunately. They’re served by the same girl that smiled at them a few days ago, although this time she’s distracted by a blonde girl with radish earrings and weirdly shaped glasses sitting on a stool by the counter, sipping pink milkshake through a straw. Remus nudges him on the side and Sirius almost starts laughing when he hears the redhead sigh and say, “Luna, I really can’t give you so many free milkshakes, they’ll fire me finally”. She’s smiling at her with dreamy eyes and the blonde steals a quick kiss from her, at which the ginger blushes furiously and giggles.<br/>
“You were saying?” Remus whispers in his ear and Sirius finally laughs.<br/>
“Oh sod off, you git.”</p><p>“Do you think we should tell the guys when we’re back?”<br/>
“You don’t?”<br/>
Sirius still doesn’t let Remus drive the car, but at least they changed music. Remus decided against looking through a stack of CDs Sirius keeps in his car and connected his phone with a car’s radio. They’re listening to Clairo at the moment and those deserted roads suddenly seem less depressing and the sky’s brighter and shining with golden colors.<br/>
“James will actually be ecstatic. I think he suspected you had a thing for me.”<br/>
“Seems like everybody did,” Remus murmurs which gets Sirius grinning.<br/>
“Yeah, well. He was worried I’m going to be sad when he leaves me for Lily. I think he only put off moving in with her because he was worried about me.”<br/>
“I’m living with you, too.”<br/>
“You’re more independent.” Sirius whistles to the song that’s playing. He’s relaxed now, almost as if he forgot why they’re even traveling through Wales now instead of sitting in Edinburgh.<br/>
“Does that mean we’re staying at the flat alone?”<br/>
“There’s Peter…” Remus looks at him expectantly and Sirius is struck with a realisation. “Oh, Peter’s moving. But it’s only a year or so and he’ll be back, I guess.”<br/>
“I guess.” Remus is looking through a window, staying quiet. A minute passes before Sirius clears his throat.<br/>
“You don’t think we’re too fast, do you?”<br/>
“No,” Remus says, smiling. “But I’ve been waiting seven years, so don’t mind me. Do you?”<br/>
“I don’t,” he surprises himself by saying that, but it’s true. “I reckon it would be nice to finally have time to talk with each other without our friends interrupting us every minute.”<br/>
“Guess we’ll have to find another place,” Remus says, playing with the case of his phone.<br/>
“Guess we do.” Sirius smiles wide. “I don’t think we really need that many bedrooms, do you?”<br/>
“We could find something small. Just enough place for a bed, shelves for our books and the rest of our crap and a sofa, maybe. You could hang your drawings on the walls. We’d save some money for that trip to San Francisco.”<br/>
Remus turns and looks at Sirius, who can’t help his smile. Sun lands on his face and golden light makes him glow. He taps on the wheel to the music and Remus can’t help smiling now, too, when he notices a half-moon tattooed on his finger, where a wide silver ring usually is.<br/>
Remus is watching the sheep on the vast fields of grass and he thanks God for the disgusting soggy fries and long roads through nothing and bloody Joy Division and Sirius’ leather jacket on the backseat and this black turtleneck Sirius is wearing and looking so handsome Remus gets weak in his knees and roadside where Sirius stops just to kiss Remus for a minute. He thinks that was a weird place to start this thing but there’s nothing about Sirius that’s appropriate and maybe life’s just too good to dwell on this.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This thing was left forgotten somewhere on my desktop waiting for better times to be finished -- and here it is, gladly written after I've rediscovered my love for some fluffy non-magickal AU (at least I hope it is fluffy enough:)). If you spot some mistakes, please let me know in the comments, English is not my first language so I probably missed something. Thank you for reading! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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